Lust and Comfort
by 0D Malfoy1
Summary: Esme was my creator. I was her demise. Loved and alienated. This is my story. Carlisle and OC.
1. Chapter 1

**Diary**

 **of**

 **Abigail Winifred**

Dear Diary,

Let me start by saying this, Everything you read here is true. That is of course assuming that anyone ever takes a look at this book. I bought the diary because it is just too hard on me to have all of these thoughts and memories circling in my head constantly. I sit here at my heavy wood desk in my bedroom writing this. I don't know how far I'll get with this first entry but we'll just have to see.

Where to begin? At the beginning I suppose... I was dying. I had tried taking my own life soon after having moved to Forks, Washington. I had found a clearing in the woods close to a reservation called La Push. You might be asking yourself why I had tried to kill myself. A broken heart is the only way to describe it. Make no mistake, I am not weak. I am not one of those people who mope and cry for weeks on end after breaking up with a man. However, the death of a child is the worst thing a parent can witness. From that point on, I was already dead inside. That was why I moved to Forks. To get away from it all and just fade away.

I thought no one would be able to find me. That after time, my body would just become one with the earth. I had no way of knowing that the blood from my slit wrists would draw my angel to me. I did not even hear her approach as I lay on my back in the grass, bleeding out. Suddenly she was there. Standing over me and looking into my eyes. The Cullen's never hunted this close (as I was told later) to La Push but she had been able to sense my fear. Esme took pity on me.

She had told me later that she would have brought me home to Carlisle but that my heart was already so weak... I would not have made it. I was Esme's first time."Why?" She had asked me and her voice seemed to be a mile away but I could still hear her. My own reply had been less than a whisper. Suddenly I didn't want to die. The tears formed in my eyes. I guess it had been the finalism of it all that just then hit me. "I'm sorry." I had said as if it had meant anything to her. I had no way of knowing that Esme was going to give me the second chance I needed.

 _Abi_


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

I had to stop. Thinking about what had happened that day. The state of mind that I was in back then, it's just too hard for me. So weak and stupid. I feel like I can go on now though.

The pain was extreme. Not so much her bite but the death and transformation. Yes, I died after all but not the way I had original intended. It took days for the change to be completed. I could vaguely hear the world around me but could not really make much sense out of anything. The pain was like fire like lava in my veins. Like I was burning from the inside out. It was nothing had ever felt before or ever want to feel again.

It's so hard to explain.

I just prayed for it to stop.

When the pain faded, I opened my eyes to find myself again on my back but this time in a soft bed. It was dark out and the lights were dim but I remember being amazed by the fact that everything was so clear. A movement to my right startled me and my head turned towards Carlisle. A man like no other. I smile now to myself even with everything that's happened since. That first meeting is what I want to always remember.

His eyes were kind and his smile soothing as he sat on the edge of the bed near my hip. Carlisle asked me me my name and it took me a moment to be able to answer. Everything about the man had caught my attention. "Where am I?" I whispered as I ripped my eyes from his face and looked around the beautiful bedroom.

Carlisle had softly explained everything. This is where it would get strange for anyone reading this.

Esme took my life and gave me a new one. She made me immortal. I could not die or be harmed except for, get this, 'Werewolves' and a group called the Volturi. They are like the vampire royal family. They make all the rules and if any of the vampires break any of the cardinal rules...the Volturi will kill them. That was the cause of my problems... I'll come back to that.

Carlisle explained about the need for blood and how Carlisle and his family were vegetarians.

I had stayed there for more than a month. Esme became like a sister to me but Carlisle became more.

That was the problem. That's what started everything going down hill.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

So... as I said, I stayed with the Cullen's. The Cullen 'children' and I quickly became close. I never intended to hurt anyone. Alice and I would have long talks. Emmett was fun to play video games with. Jasper turned out to be a great conversationalist and they all helped me adjust to not being able to sleep. That was a hard transition. I always enjoyed my naps and just laying down with my eyes closed did not cut it.

My thirst was my downfall. I was trying to exist on animals. I really did want to but it was difficult. People just smelled so good all the time. It was like a urge that could not shake. A itch that I could not scratch. I normally hunted with Emmett. As a newborn, I was strong but Emmett was the one whose own strength came closest to mine.

This is hard for me. Describing what happened... It's all my fault.

I tracked a deer too close to civilization. As I fed, a group of young adults saw it all. Emmett tried to get me out of there but I was in a frenzy. It was not long before there were rumors... human like monsters. People started talking about Vampires. The humans were scared.

Cue the Volturi...

It was Alice that first knew they were coming. I wanted to run. Carlisle wanted me to stay. He saw what had happened as a mistake. As if it could be forgotten. I should have run. I should have gotten as far away as possible.

The Volturi wanted me dead. They stood outside the house and I stood before them trembling but ready to be judged. So many of them against me. Esme and Carlisle were there as well but I had pleaded for them not to intervene. They were innocent.

Aro had been the one to pass judgement. My death at their hands. I looked between the Volturi members. Aro, Marcus, Jane, Alec, Caius and Felix.

It all happened so fast... one minute Felix was coming for me. Esme was screaming something I could not make out. Carlisle's voice was in the background. Felix was inches from me and then I was shoved to the side. Screaming intensified and there was a squelching sound. Then a wail of pain.

When the fighting cleared and I was able to sit up, Esme was dead. Felix had backed away in shock and the others watched silently. Carlisle had dropped to his knees beside his wife and cradled her body in his arms as he screamed. The others had come running out with all the noise and I... I just fucking sat there.

Why did Esme do it? I wish to god I knew.. I wish I knew what she had been thinking. Was it because she made me? Was she protective of me? I should have died not her. Aro stepped towards me now and I looked up at him. Wanting death. "There has been enough death!" Carlisle barked suddenly. His voice was tight and his eyes... terrifying even now when I see them. Esme had been an angel, he had told Aro, and the glue of the coven and Carlisle would not stand for her death to be in vain.

I remember everything like it was yesterday. Carlisle would tell me quite some time after that it was because the Volturi craved Carlisle and many of the others. Carlisle had been in their ranks in the past. Esme's death was a accident. It was Marcus who agreed to Carlisle's terms. I was to be hidden away. Isolated. No Humans to see me but plenty of animals.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

Some people might try and say that they understand what I've gone through or where I am coming from. They don't. They never could. To die, be accepted, be cast of and be the cause of your savior's death. How could anyone understand? It's been two weeks since I heard from the Cullen's. Emmett and Jasper were the lucky two that brought me to the private island. Emmett for his strength and Jasper for his ability to keep me calm. Isle _Esme_ is a tropical _island_ off the coast of Rio de Janeiro. Beautiful. It was a paradise in any other situation. When the plane landed in Rio de Janeiro, I was rushed through the city. Not permitted to do anything more than glance around. Then I was steered onto small boat and brought across the water.

There had been strict laws laid out. Laws I follow. Not for my life but for the family I destroyed. I don't want to die but I don't want to exist either knowing what I did.

On the night that I arrived, Jasper and Emmett left me on the beach. I could see the shadows of the large house among the trees. There were no lights on in the house. And no lights on the islands actually, as I would later find out. Emmett had place a ring of keys in my hand and pointed me in the right direction. My suitcases were placed on the sand of the beach and then… they left. Emmett and Jasper turned away, got back in the boat and left.

I have to stop...


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

I don't know how I am going to get through this. The first night I was able to hide from my emotions. I was able to just explore my new home. Even with all that had happened, no one could ignore that the island was special. Such a display of love from Carlisle to Esme.

The thought of her name brings her face to mind and tears always follow. No one is more sorry for her death than I am.

Blue water, warm sandy beaches, an island covered in forest and a large house. There was a lot to see. I had a lot of time to do it and so I took my time.

I made my way up to the house. Normally I didn't mind the dark but this was different. Knowing I was the only person here led to ideas of monsters and animal attacks. I could hear the waves crashing on the beach and rustling in the woods as I made my way to the house with my things.

The house was long and sprawling. I let myself in the front door and slapped my hand on the wall looking for the light took a few minutes but then the light came on showing polished hardwood floor and expensive furniture. I shut the door behind me and looked around. It was beautiful. Classy but spacious. My footsteps seemed very loud as I moved from room to room. I took in bedrooms with king sized beds and walk-in closets, The living room with the huge t.v., a enormous kitchen that I wouldn't be using. It was clear that money had not been a factor when building this home.

No matter how big a house, there was not enough to explore to keep reality from surfacing in my head. With there being no people on the island, there was a lot of restriction. That's why I have taken up this diary. I need to get everything out of my head. I need to rationalize and come to terms with everything.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

It's been a month. I only know because of calendar on the laptop I found in the house. The days all seem to blend together now. I have not heard from the family of anyone else. Social media sites have been blocked with a password I cannot decipher.

I have no transportation off the island not that I would go anywhere if I did. The last thing that I want to do is hurt anyone in any way. I don't know where I would go if I did leave. I just just don't understand why I'm here. Carlisle pays for everything. The electricity, The heat and air condition, which I have not used. Even the internet. Why he's keeping me in luxury like like this I can not understand.

I have taken this time to think. To run my situation over in my head hundreds of times. I have scoured the island. Learning its nooks and crannies and finds caves and beautiful natural landscaping. I've spent countless hours sitting at the edge of the water and watching the waves.

This book has gone untouched most of the time. I have only picked it up to flip through the very few entries I have written. It's hard to know to go on and knowing what I've done. I'm not looking for pity from whomever reads this. Just maybe understanding. I didn't mean it.

In the library there was an empty coil notebook. Right away I decided to write. I've always wanted to write short stories. I have written three so far. They are not very good. Not even close to publishing quality but they keep me sane. That's what I have been doing all this time.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

I returned to the house today to find the side patio door open. The hesitated for a long time before entering, not knowing what I'd find. I had not heard any boat engines and obviously a animal couldn't open the door. My nervousness only grew as I made my way through the house and rounded the corner into the living room. I can't explain how those golden eyes made me feel. Carlisle, sitting on the couch, my book of stories opened on his lap. I couldn't bring myself to say anything let alone move.

Slowly Carlisle had looked up at me and I felt myself go cold. Many people would not have been able to see what I saw in his eyes. His hate, his anger, his wavering grip on self control. I had started, finally, to speak but had only gotten his name out when Carlisle lifted one hand. An open hand with his palm out and facing me. I bit my lower lip and jumped when he dropped the notebook onto the coffee table.

He has every right to blame me. All I do is blame myself.


End file.
